You are here: Home > Resources > Newsletters > No 5::Jan 2003

• Coaching FAQ
• Newsletters
• Articles
• Booklist
• Exercises
• Becoming a coach
• Links

Newsletter No 5 :: Jan 03

Happy New Year to all readers!

In this month's newsletter:

• a guide to successful interaction with others - at home, work and elsewhere
• 25 days to Valentine's Day - some ideas for a getting or keeping a successful relationship
• media mentions
• 'What is Coaching?' information leaflet
• hiring a Professional Worrier......

So how are those New Year resolutions going? If you have kept them so far remember that it is said that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so you are on the verge of fully integrating these resolutions into your life.

If you didn't keep any (surely not!), spend some time this week reconsidering them - were they really about you and truly how committed to the result are you? And remember - falling off the wagon doesn't stop you getting back on. I know someone who is very committed to giving up smoking. So much so, they give up 20 times a day......

What's the balance of your Emotional Bank Account? ::

A few months ago we talked about sorting your finances and knowing your worth, but do you know the state of your deposits in terms of relationships with friends, family and colleagues? Leading personal development writer Steven Covey introduces the concept of an Emotional Bank Account, when talking about how we interact with others. This is how he explains it:

"We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being."
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey,

As we interact with other people and show kindness, understanding, honesty and we keep commitments we build up a reserve of trust. Minor indiscretions might lessen the level of reserve, but the relationship is still healthy. It may be so healthy that an indiscretion could be immediately overlooked. If however, we interact with people and show lack of understanding, discourtesy and disrespect when the time comes to ask them for understanding or trust we might find the Emotional Bank Account low or overdrawn and the relationship may break down - some final straw will break the camel's back.

So how can we integrate this idea of an Emotional Bank Account into our lives? We have to understand the impact of our words and deeds on those around us (not just our spouse or immediate family, this applies to business relationships too), and seek to conduct our lives so as to be making deposits in these accounts. If all we do is criticise our children about the state of their room, their dress code, the way they eat their food etc our 'account' is gradually going to become overdrawn. Then when we make a mistake and seek understanding, it may not be there.

Covey identifies six ways we can make deposits:

• Understand the individual -
  • you can't be sure what will make a deposit until you understand the other person's interests and needs are (they probably won't be the same as yours!).
• Attend to the little things -
  • little kindnesses and courtesies are vital, but small discourtesies or slights have a disproportionate effect on the reserve. Off-the-cuff comments can be remembered for years and cause real pain. Giving love or understanding need not cost, but not giving it always does.
• Keep commitments -
  • how many times have you promised a child you'll be home for their school play, or to read with them before they go to sleep. How many times has that been broken? How do you feel when business contacts break meetings? (I remember vividly those times I drove hours to a meeting to find the person 'unavailable' - not a way to promote business!).
• Clarify expectations -
  • especially important with partners before birthdays or Christmas!! In business or personal relationships, clarifying expectations - in terms of outcome or behaviour - very early on makes huge deposits in the account - you both understand the 'rules of engagement' better.
• Show personal integrity -
  • when your friend tells you a mutual friend's secrets or gossip, how do you feel about telling them your own personal matters? Covey describes the issue of not gossiping etc as being loyal to those who are not present, a phrase I think we could benefit from understanding and adopting
• Apologise sincerely when you make a withdrawal -
  • we all make mistakes, create misunderstandings or let people down, correcting the situation comes from recognising the impact on others, acknowledging it and apologising sincerely. My wife hated forced apologies from pupils when she was a teacher - it was repeated parrot fashion and showed no remorse or understanding from the miscreant. But a sincere and voluntary admission of error and apology creates a powerful deposit.

Since reading Covey I have come to see how this approach can and does provide a blueprint for successful relationships. I can see how my reserves, built up through years of trust and co-operation have helped me overcome short-term withdrawals on my part in business and relationships. A late cheque to a supplier is more easily understood if the last 10 have always been paid reasonably on time. Having to cancel an important order after changing circumstances is more easily done if you have shown reliability in the past and the supplier trusts your explanation.

So how can you implement Covey's concepts in your relationship? Where are you making withdrawals or deposits? What 5 actions can you take today to increase your reserve with 5 people in your life?

25 Days to Valentine's

We might reject the rank commercialism of the festival of love in February, but it does present a useful time to review our relationships with our 'significant other'. Whether we are in a relationship and want to keep it fresh, or in a relationship and want to get out, or if we are looking to attract such a relationship, we have 3 weeks to ensure we have greater chance of success in love. For those of you looking for advice on the more physical side of love, you probably already know websites that offer that.......

As you rush around booking last minute deals to Paris, choosing soppy cards, buying chocolates from a filling station or wondering why your wife got two cards this year, stop and consider these tips to great relationships (that I learnt from others - I don't profess to be the Love God!!!):

• Start with yourself -
  • know who you are, what you want, where you are going - otherwise how can you know who Mr Right is?
• Love yourself -
  • the things that people find most attractive are not bums or boobs, but self-respect and confidence. We can all work on that - by focussing on our achievements, our qualities and our uniqueness. Take great care of yourself, treat yourself, believe in yourself - everyone else will find it infectious!
• Address issues and challenges as they arise -
  • a good friend many years ago told me never to let anything in my marriage go unresolved. Untreated wounds always fester - but remember to do so in a calm and constructive way!! Discussing your feelings about your partner's drinking when he has just fallen through the door at 3am may not be the best time. Far better to choose 8am the next morning, when he is more vulnerable and will remember. :o)
• Never try to change things about your partner -
  • your partner can change them themselves if they want to - you can't.
• Do nothing you wouldn't want your partner to know about (except organise surprise gifts!) -
  • otherwise, where is integrity in your relationship?
• Give and love unconditionally -
  • this is not a trade situation. Give your time, energy and love without expecting a return. (Then the return will come!)
• Choose your partner -
  • revel in their looks, personality, kindness - don't look at what they don't have (there is only one Richard Gere or Catherine Zeta Jones).
• Choose your partner (part 2) -
  • don't settle for what's not right, or anything that harms you mentally, emotionally or physically (see love yourself above!). If they cannot respect you, it is up to you to respect yourself.

I have seen two quotes in the last few days which I feel complement this section beautifully:

Media mentions

New Year is a great time for press coverage of personal development issues, linking in with detox, weight loss, career change and get fit. The Observer, the Independent on Sunday, the Evening Standard, Time Out and the Sunday Times have all carried features on coaching in 2003. (Copies of most of these are available from me if you are interested).

The BBC continues to offer coverage of coaching - Radio 2 and Radio 5 have interviewed coaches in the last couple of weeks, and BBCi has some very useful content under the Lifestyle section at www.bbc.co.uk.

'What is Coaching?' information leaflet

If I had a pound for every time I've heard that question since last summer! In response to these enquiries I have produced a tri-fold leaflet giving an indication of who works with coaches on what sort of issues. It includes a list of questions to ask yourself if you are considering coaching. If anyone would like copies for themselves or to pass to friends or colleagues please e-mail your address and an indication of the number of copies.

And finally, the Professional Worrier....

I hope you have enjoyed this first newsletter of 2003. If you would like to discuss any issues raised in this or previous newsletters please give me a call. If you or a friend think coaching might be of benefit, I offer FREE 30 minute introductory sessions - just get them to e-mail or call me to arrange a time.

I hope you get all the Valentine's cards you want on 14th Feb!

Warmest Regards

James Butler

top ^

 

Copyright | Privacy policy | Website | tel: 01491 659073 | email: james@painlessbusiness.com